To begin with, we must embrace a healthier and radically different way of thinking about success. We need to harness our fears about our children’s futures and understand that the extraordinary focus on metrics that has come to define success today—high grades, trophies, and selective school acceptances from preschools to graduate schools—is a partial and frequently deceptive definition. At its best, it encourages academic success for a small group of students but gives short shrift to the known factors that are necessary for success later in life. … [It] fails to acknowledge those students whose potential contributions are not easily measurable. If we insist on a narrow and metric-based definition of success then we maddeningly consign potentially valuable contributions to our society to an undervalued and even bleak future. …
While we all hope our children will do well in school, we hope with even greater fervor that they will do well in life. Our job is to help them to know and appreciate themselves deeply; to approach the world with zest; to find work that is exciting and satisfying, friends and spouses who are loving and loyal; and to hold a deep belief that they have something meaningful to contribute to society. This is what it means to teach our children well. [Madeline Levine, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, HarperCollins, 2012, pp. xv-xvi]
In order to strengthen our messages to our children about our core values, we need to make sure that our core values are aligned with our parenting practices. For example, if you say you value physical and emotional well-being and your middle school child isn’t getting at least nine hours of sleep a night, then you have to either rethink how much you really do value well-being or consider rectifying some of your parenting lapses on this issue. Talking about values can become an almost endless diversion from actually living them. The point here is to get clear on what we value so that we can translate values into actions. [Madeline Levine, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, HarperCollins, 2012, pp. 250]
Parents tend to think there are two ways to be: autocratic or permissive. …
But virtually all child development experts … have advocated a third option: authoritative parenting. This entails being supportive, but not controlling. … It emphasizes self-direction and values maturity over obedience. It’s a style that sends the message, “I am going to do everything I can to help you be successful, but I’m not going to try to force you to do things because I say so.” Authoritative parents don’t give their children free rein. They enforce limits, and say when they don’t feel right about something, but they are not controlling. With authoritative parenting, the child’s developing brain doesn’t spend enormous amounts of energy resisting what’s often in their own best interest. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Viking, 2018, pp. 35-36]
[C]hild psychologists have learned to distinguish between authoritative and authoritarian parent/child relationships. In an authoritative relationship, the parent communicates firm, consistent, and clear expectations to the child in the context of open, two-way dialogues. In an authoritarian relationship, the adult communicates little more to the child than arbitrary power, expecting the child to listen and behave without any input on the child’s own. Research has demonstrated that authoritative relationships lead the child towards genuine competence and responsibility, whereas authoritarian ones cause the child to behave well only as long as the adult is looking. [William Damon, Greater Expectations: Overcoming the Culture of Indulgence in Our Homes and Schools, Free Press Paperbacks / Simon & Schuster, 1995, p. 150]
We certainly have times when expressing our disappointment is a necessary part of teaching good values. (For example, “I’m really disappointed in the way you treated your friend.”) But our disappointment should be directed at our child’s behavior or choices, not at their existence. “You’re such a disappointment to me” is the type of sentiment that catapults children into a tailspin of depression or acting out. …
Whenever we attack our child’s developing self we feed feelings of self-hatred, perhaps the most dangerous feelings kids can have. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, HarperCollins, 2006, pp. 147-148]
Every psychiatrist and psychologist I spoke with over the course of writing this book mentioned a lack of firm limit-setting as one of the major contributors to adolescent dysfunction. “Kids want and need limits” is a common refrain among professionals who deal with troubled and not-so-troubled kids. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, HarperCollins, 2006, pp. 155-156]
When limits are necessary, there are several important considerations that will help ensure that the limit setting does not undermine autonomy. First, it is possible to have people set their own limits. …
In many cases, of course, the teachers, managers, or parents need to set the limits. And as the research has shown, the style they use in presenting the limits is important. For example, avoiding controlling language and acknowledging the resistance people may feel facilitates their willingness to accept the limits. …
When people who are being limited understand the reason for limits, they are also more likely to accept them without feeling undermined. …
In some cases, particularly in education, it may be useful to go beyond just providing a rationale to encourage people to think for themselves about why a task might be useful for them. …
Making the limits as wide as possible and allowing choice within them will help keep people from feeling so restricted. … [O]nce limits are set and the consequences communicated, it is important to follow through; otherwise, one is undermining one’s own credibility. [Edward L. Deci with Richard Flaste, Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation, Penguin, 1996, pp. 149-151]
For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience. Battling your child about due dates and lost work sheets invites school stress to take root at home. So instead of nagging, arguing, and constant reminding, we recommend repeating the mantra, “I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.” [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Viking, 2018, p. 39]
When it comes to making decisions about your kids’ lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Viking, 2018, p. 57]
[P]erhaps the most effective thing you can do is to emphasize to your child that he is responsible for his own education. It’s not his teacher’s job, it’s not his principal’s job, and it’s not your job. If he doesn’t have a handle on sixth grade math but needs to know certain things to be able to do prealgebra in seventh, the fact that he had a crummy sixth grade math teacher will be of little consolation. We’re not suggesting that you tell your struggling son that it’s his fault. … Rather … [h]elp your child strategize as to how he can take control of his own learning, with or without the teacher’s help. Otherwise he’s in a frustrating situation, knowing he isn’t learning and feeling helpless to change it. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Viking, 2018, pp. 175-176]
A close attachment requires the development of a one-on-one bond with a parent, and the power of “private” time never diminishes. The way we get to really know someone is to spend time alone with them. … This is true for parent-child relationships as it is for any relationship, and we’ve seen dramatic turnarounds in discouraged kids when parents started to spend one-on-one time with them—instead of just family time. …
Bill [William Stixrud] feels lucky he learned about the power of one-on-one time when his kids were very young. He had weekly dates with each of his two kids from when they were three until they left for college. There are 168 hours in a week, he always thought to himself, so surely I can devote two of them to one-on-one time with the most precious things in my life. … Bill would usually ask the kids what they wanted to do for private time, and if they weren’t sure, he’d offer choices. He promised not to take any phone calls, and every week he’d write the time for the next week’s private time in the family calendar. He also consciously made eye contact with his kids during private time (and throughout the week as well.) …
Your full attention shows them they are worth your time. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 10-11]
Individual time matters, and proximity matters. Show your kids you care by sitting alongside them—even when they’re playing dress-up … or, more likely, video games. Several experts have suggested that one of the best ways parents can help regulate their children’s use of video games, in fact, is to understand the games and even play with them. …
Proximity also means showing up and being present at events that are meaningful to our kids—like their games, performances, birthdays, and parent-teacher meetings. … There are few more powerful ways to show kids that they are loved and important to us than to take time out of our day to share something that’s important to them. …
Look, we get it—you’re not going to love everything your kid does. But finding an area of shared interest is incredibly helpful for connection. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, p. 12]
Family rituals also offer a way to connect with our kids and let them know that they are important members of our family. Rituals don’t have to be elaborate. … [They] can involve religious practices, making pizza every Sunday, or something like going to the library together once a week. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, p. 13]
[P]arents need to remember that kids love rituals and depend on them for a sense of continuity and connection. Perhaps the single most important ritual a family can observe is having dinner together. … Eating together reinforces the idea that family members are interested, available, and concerned about each other. It provides a reliable time and place for kids to share accomplishments, challenges, and worries, to check in with parents and siblings, or simply to feel part of the family. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, HarperCollins, 2006, p. 33]
We all have to do the slow, intentional, and transformative work required for connection if we want our time as parents to yield bonded, healthy relationships with our adult children. While parents with lots of resources—financial reserves and privileged contacts—may feel that those opportunities and networks give them a leg up or give them a way to outsource this work, that’s not the case. Resources can create a false sense of security for parents (“we’ve got everything they need!”) and unintentionally foster competitiveness, daunting standards, and kids feeling overwhelmed, while lowering the sense of connection. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 13-14]
Children are naturally self-centered … [they] have difficulty standing in the shoes of other kids. … Kids learn how to be empathetic because we teach them how to be empathetic. We can’t ask enough “How would you feel if … ?” [Madeline Levine, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, HarperCollins, 2012, p. 77]
Demonstrating empathy is one of the most important things you can do to be close to your child. One of our children’s deepest needs is to feel heard, and by listening carefully and expressing empathy for their feelings, we help to fill this need. We also strengthen our bond with our child every time we indicate that we understand their experiences. …
Dealing with kids’ emotions in a productive way involves a four-step process, and the first two steps happen before you say a single word.
1. Stay calm and think of your kids’ strong emotions as a great opportunity to connect. … [I]f we can stay calm as they vent or cry or yell, we can lower their emotional charge, which will enable us to communicate [to the part of the brain that can think logically and clearly]. …
2. Understand and accept rather than judge; be curious rather than accusatory. … When your kid’s upset, you inevitably have subtitles running through your head telling you to use the opportunity as a teaching moment. It’s hard, but turn these subtitles off. …
3. Reflect and validate their feelings. … Language that communicates careful listening when kids have strong emotions is similar to paraphrasing—but in a way that signals we are trying to understand their feelings. … “It sounds like …”, “I think you’re saying that …”, “Let me see if I understand. …” Language that expresses validation is similar—but adds the message that I can see why you feel like that—your feeling is normal. …
4. Explore—ask follow-up questions. … Since [your kids] no longer need to defend or justify themselves, they are more likely to admit their own role in a problem and can walk alongside you instead of fighting you. … You can ask questions to better understand the child’s experience and explore their openness to hearing advice, or considering ways to solve problems. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 15-22]
[T]he meaning teens make about something, rational or not, matters a lot. Dismissing children’s emotions is, in essence, dismissing their experience.
This is important for avoiding what [Christina] Bethel calls the positivity paradox. By refusing to acknowledge your teen’s negative feelings in an attempt to make them feel better, you actually make them feel worse. Recognition and acceptance are important first steps in helping kids in Resister mode. “When pain is acknowledged, it lowers negative emotions and stress,” explains Bethell. …
[Lynn Fainsilber Katz, a psychology professor at the University of Washington,] classified parents’ approach to emotions with two categories: those who believe emotions are useful and instructive and worth exploring, and those who think emotions should be dismissed because they are dangerous, annoying, or inappropriate. She found that parents’ own feelings about feelings predicted not just children’s grades but also their behavior with others. …
[Some parents] dismiss negative feelings because they think those emotions are painful for their children and their role is to protect them to help them feel better. But doing so can lead children to believe that their emotions are not important or valid, sowing self-doubt and insecurity. Further, these kids do not learn to recognize or manage their emotions because they have internalized the idea that when they feel strong negative emotions, they should avoid them or distract themselves. [Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop, The Disengaged Teen: Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better, Crown / Penguin Random House, 2025, pp. 221-222]
If I had to summarize in one word all of the research on what kind of parenting helps create the best conditions for a child’s and adolescent’s growth and development, it would be the term “presence.” … Presence involves being aware of what is happening as it is happening, being receptive to our own inner mental sea, and attuning to the inner life of another person. Being present for others means we resonate with what is going on in their inner words, creating the essential way we feel their feelings. This feeling felt sensation is at the heart of how we can help one another feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. Feeling felt is the basis for secure attachment. It is also the essence of healthy relationships in all domains of life.
So often we want to help the people we love fix their problems. We want to show them how to solve a dilemma, resolve a conflict, or get rid of painful emotions. But in order to give them what they need most of all, which is to make them feel felt and connected with us, we need to not do these well-intentioned things first and instead simply be present for our loved one. … This is the part that may be the most challenging, especially for adolescents and parents who are experiencing different feelings about all the changes that are occurring in the adolescent’s life and perhaps not seeing eye to eye. [Daniel J. Siegel, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Penguin, 2013, pp. 217-219]
[Johnmarshall] Reeve’s first tip [for autonomy-supportive teaching] is to listen without intent to fix. … [I]nstead of giving advice and wondering why your kids don’t take it, you take their perspective first. Connect before you correct. … When [adolescents] see an army or parental advice marching toward them, their natural instinct is to protect themselves from the onslaught. … Perspective taking lowers their force field. You are no longer an intruder. You are an ally asking about what is going on. You become a source of support. …
Next, really listen to your kids’ answers. … Kids have epic bullshit detectors, so do what you need to do to get in the place that you are actually asking and not accusing. Whatever the answer is, validate it. … explain that you get it. This is not just getting them to lower their force field but disarm it altogether.
Next, offer … an explanatory rationale … [K]ids will be more motivated when they are given a specific reason for something. … Taking the time to explain the reasoning behind things (before, crucially, jumping in with any advice on the approach) helps students put things in context for themselves.
[Next, when] you share some strategies your kids could use to tackle their [problems] … use what Reeve calls invitational instead of instructional language. … “You might try …”, “Have you thought about …?”, “Would you consider …?” …
Reeve’s final bit of advice is golden: Once you have done all that, and it doesn’t do jack baloney, let it go. … “What I really want the child to do is not to do their homework today,” Reeve told us, “What I really want them to do is build a value, a sense of importance in the activity of doing homework, or a work ethic. So I’m not going to blame or give up on you or be disappointed if you don’t do your homework tonight. I’ll try again tomorrow.” … In the end, we cannot force our children to learn. If they are uninterested and dragging their feet, it may be worth some short-term pain—a couple of missing assignments or bombing a test—to help them develop a sense of ownership. [Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop, The Disengaged Teen: Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better, Crown / Penguin Random House, 2025, pp. 161-164]
The secret sauce of the parent-as-consultant model has these simple ingredients:
1. Offer help (like tutoring or psychotherapy) to kids, but don’t push it on them (unless kids are seriously depressed, abusing drugs, or deeply in denial about their problems).
2. Offer to share your knowledge, experience, and wisdom, but don’t try to lay it on kids whether they want it or not.
3. So long as they are willing to consider other perspectives, encourage kids to make their own decisions, and go with their decisions unless almost any sensible person would say that they are crazy. A decision is not irrational simply because you don’t agree with it!
4. Offer to help them solve their problems if they need it and provide emotional support when they’re upset, but don’t rush to rescue them. Kids develop resilience through experiencing stress, trying to cope with it, and then having time to recover. If we solve problems for them, we condition kids to look to us for solutions rather than within themselves. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 39-40]
Just as the young child crafted a sense of self out of the “mirror” of the mother, teens this age [12 to 14] craft a sense of self out of the mirror of their peers. The shifting allegiances of teens at this age make the reliability of this mirror quite poor, only adding to the young teen’s confusion about how she measures up in the world. It is critical that parents bear in mind that this is a temporary state of affairs and that in spite of appearances to the contrary, kids this age are very dependent on their parents for a sense of well-being. …
It is important for parents to work at maintaining connection with their young teens in spite of the protest, and even rejection, typical of this age. Eye rolling passes, but the protection that parental involvement confers lasts a lifetime. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, HarperCollins, 2006, p. 116]
A child will have many friends, but only two parents—if that—and parents are more, not less, than friends. Friends have a very limited authority to correct. Every parent therefore needs to learn to tolerate the momentary anger or even hatred directed towards them by their children, after necessary corrective action has been taken, as the capacity of children to perceive or care about long-term consequences is very limited. [Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Random House Canada, 2018, pp. 123-124]
Parents who cannot tolerate the unhappiness of their child will be compelled to endure his unhappiness as an adult. [Thomas Szasz, Words to the Wise, Transaction, 2004, p. 137]
[W]e can let our kids know we appreciate how important it is for them to be around their peers. We can explain to them that as they move through adolescence, they are sculpting their adult brain, and that they should embrace that responsibility. We should respectfully inform them about the effect of chemicals on the developing brain. We can encourage them to prioritize sleep, because sleeping enough will make them less impulsive. And we can encourage them to become black belts in the art of stress management, because when kids aren’t stressed, they make better decisions. Parents can also work to keep the relationship close—no easy task when teens act in rash ways. Finally, parents can remind their kids that ultimately, they have to police their own behavior. No kid wants to hurt someone in an accident or screw up their life. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 62-63]
Being a nonanxious presence means not being burdened by excessive worry or fearfulness, not being highly reactive emotionally, and having a courageous attitude toward dealing with life’s challenges. When we can be a nonanxious presence, we’re better able to support autonomy in our kids, to tolerate the stress we feel when they take on challenges or when they struggle, and to help them learn to manage their own anxiety. …
When we are a nonaxious presence, we help kids achieve sustainable self-development, by communicating messages such as:
“The world is actually a pretty safe place.” … “I love you no matter what you do or say or achieve.” “You’re capable of managing your own life.” … “Screwing stuff up is a necessary part of learning to do things well.” … “There are thousands of ways to become successful in this world.” “Life isn’t a race; the world is full of late bloomers.” …
A nonanxious presence is a different way of looking at things, a way that will make you less likely to feel burned out and pressured. … Our goal is to make it easier for you to keep things in perspective, so that you radiate calm, courage, and confidence, rather than fear and doubt. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 68-70]
Asking questions—particularly ones that launch us into joint problem-solving, collaborative-troubleshooting mode—can show young people that we need to work together to understand the mismatch of priorities. Questions also send a respectful signal that we as parents aren’t simply demanding that our children comply and suppress their feelings. Instead, we legitimize children’s perspectives and demonstrate a willingness to work with them. …
Again and again, I saw that questioning, rather than telling, constituted a core mentor-mindset practice. …
In an authentic question, the question asker does not know the answer and legitimately wants to know the answer. … A question with uptake means that the asker has been influenced by, or incorporated, information from the answerer. …
Authentic questions with uptake are effective, in part, because they build relationships … they create a common ground and a sense of collaboration. [David Yeager, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster, 2024, pp. 147, 156-157]
Understand and address the underlying cause of the child’s behavior; don’t just respond to the behavior. [David Yeager, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster, 2024, p. 150]
[W]e need clear recognition that character education depends on our relationship with our children and that character traits cannot be transmitted by words but must be conveyed by actions.
The first step in the long-term program is a determination to become interested in what children are thinking and feeling, and respond not just to their behavior, their outward compliance or rebellion, but to the feelings that trigger that behavior.
How can we become aware of what children think and feel? Children give us clues. Their feelings come through in word and in tone, in gesture and in posture. All we need is an ear to listen, an eye to behold, and a heart to feel. Our inner motto is: Let me understand. Let me show that I understand. Let me show in words that do not criticize or condemn. [Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Child, 1965, Three Rivers, 2003, pp. 79-80]
[C]hanging how we see things helps us resolve problems because kids (and adults) tend to react to the meaning of a situation, not its reality. They think, I’m upset because the situation is objectively terrible. They rarely consider, I’m upset because how I’m seeing the situation is a problem, but I could choose to see the situation differently, and that would help me achieve my goals. …
Lorena Seidel has a beautiful little routine she teaches parents to follow when in conflict with kids. She gives them a six-question guide for coauthoring a treaty in the war over meaning. …
The first three questions help the child recognize that their way of seeing things poses a problem. [1. What does this mean to you? 2. How is that meaning making you feel? 3. Is that serving your goals?] The second three questions help them come up with a better, more motivating way of seeing things. [4. What’s something else it could mean? 5. How would it make you feel if you thought that? 6. Would that serve your goals?] [David Yeager, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster, 2024, pp. 163-164]
[Stanley Coopersmith] found five conditions associated with high self-esteem in children:
1. The child experiences total acceptance of thoughts, feelings, and the value of his or her person.
2. The child operates in a context of clearly defined and enforced limits that are fair, nonoppressive, and negotiable. The child is not given unrestricted “freedom.” Consequently, the child experiences a sense of security, there is a clear basis for evaluating his or her behavior. Further, the limits generally entail high standards, as well as confidence that the child will be able to meet them. …
3. The child experiences respect for his or her dignity as a human being. The parents do not use violence or humiliation or ridicule to control and manipulate. The parents take the child’s needs and wishes seriously, whether or not they can accede to them in a particular instance. The parents are willing to negotiate family rules within carefully drawn limits. In other words, authority, but not authoritarianism, is operating.
As an expression of this overall attitude, parents are … more inclined to put the emphasis on rewarding and reinforcing positive behavior. They focus on what they do want rather than on what they do not want—on the positive rather than the negative.
The parent shows an interest in the child, in his or her social and academic life, and they are generally available for discussion when and as the child wants it.
4. The parents uphold high standards and high expectations in terms of behavior and performance. Their attitude is not “anything goes.” They have both moral and performance expectations that they convey in a respectful, benevolent, and nonoppresive manner; the child is challenged to be the best he or she can be.
5. The parents themselves tend to enjoy a high level of self-esteem. They model (what I call) self-efficacy and self-respect. The child sees living examples of that which he or she needs to learn. [Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Bantam, 1994, pp. 172-173]
Our prior learning (what the society and our family and our own individual experiences have taught us) can create mental models that are the perceptual filters that skew our view of present experience … Expectations become fixed, and mental “shoulds” distort what we are open to seeing and accepting. …
We as parents need to be very conscious of the depths of our responses to unexpected developments with our children so that we don’t unwittingly make them feel judged, condemned, or even invisible. All of these things can inhibit our ability to be present and can threaten trust in our relationship with our child. …
We can work on being present in an approach that lets go of our expectational mind-sets, our previously created judgments, … and bring into perceptions a more direct, unfiltered input of what is. [Daniel J. Siegel, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Penguin, 2013, pp. 251-252]
Listen to how you speak to yourself. … Is the voice that runs commentary on your day a harsh and critical one, or does it treat you kindly? This is the same voice that our children hear every day of their lives. Were your own parents critical of you, and if they were, do you continue to “hear” them talking to you in denigrating, belittling ways? If so, then you need to work on developing a new and softer voice to guide you through the day, and also to talk to your children. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege, HarperCollins, 2006, pp. 151-152]
[T]o educate rightly is not a simple and easy thing, but a complex and extremely difficult thing: the hardest task which devolves upon adult life. … [I]f you would carry out with success a rational and civilized system, you must be prepared for considerable mental exertion—for some study, some ingenuity, some patience, some self-control. … Not only will you have constantly to analyze the motives of your children, but you will have to analyze your own motives—to discriminate between those internal suggestions springing from a true parental solicitude, and those which spring from your own selfishness, from your love of ease, from your lust of dominion. And then, more trying still, you will have not only to detect, but to curb these baser impulses. In brief, you will have to carry on your higher education at the same time that you are educating your children. Intellectually you must cultivate to good purpose that most complex of subjects—human nature and its laws, as exhibited in your children, in yourself, and in the world. [Herbert Spencer, Education: Intellectual, Moral, and Physical, 1860, D. Appleton, 1896, pp. 215-217, https://archive.org/details/spencereducation00spen]
We must love and protect our own development with the same zeal and seriousness of purpose that we bring to the protection of our children. [Madeline Levine, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, HarperCollins, 2006, p. 224]
Separating your own happiness from your child’s is a lifelong pursuit, but it’s one of the best practices you can begin for your own benefit and for your child’s. … [I]f we believe that our mental state is inextricably linked to theirs, it leads to enmeshment or codependency—and can allow kids’ challenges to use up way too much of a family’s oxygen. … There’s a temptation to think, If my child is struggling, what does that say about me? But remember, your children are raised by you, but they are not you. Your identity needs to be multipronged for everyone’s sake. If your happiness cannot begin until your kid is happy, you might push your kids to “get better now,” fraying your relationship and your ability to help. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, Viking / Penguin Random House, 2021, pp. 86-87]
Perhaps we have become so seduced by the possibility of being able to cultivate “outstanding” children because we are a bit lost ourselves. … We hunker down and immerse ourselves in our children’s activities at the expense of our adult relationships and our own continued development. Decreasing the sphere of our own lives makes us increasingly dependent on our children for a sense of meaning and accomplishment. [Madeline Levine, Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, HarperCollins, 2012, p. 38]
[P]arents [should] make enjoying their kids their top priority so that their kids would have the experience of being joy-producing organisms.
Once that priority of enjoyment is set, work backward. If you’re not enjoying your children because of unresolved anger, focus on resolving that anger. … If you’re not enjoying your kids because you’re not getting enough social support, socialize more. Or perhaps you’re not enjoying your kids because you’re spending too much time with them. Our highest goal in life isn’t to make our kids feel good—but it’s worth paying attention to what’s blocking you from genuinely enjoying them and removing it. [William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, Viking, 2018, p. 96]
Psychologists now know that parents whose children are good at self-regulation lay this foundation by doing three things very well from the start. They are warm, they are firm, and they are supportive of their child’s growing sense of self-reliance. …
[W]hen children feel loved, they develop a strong sense that the world is a safe and benevolent place. This allows them to function away from their parents without worrying that trouble lurks around every corner. …
You cannot love your child too much. … Some parents believe that holding back love helps develop a child’s character. In fact, just the opposite is true. When children feel genuinely loved, they’re almost always less needy.
Be physically affectionate. …
Try to understand and respond to your child’s emotional needs. … [This] entails observing your child’s moods carefully and reacting in ways that help his emotional development. Children’s emotional needs change as they develop. … [D]uring adolescence, being responsive means helping to foster your teenager’s confidence in his or her ability to function independently by providing opportunities for meaningful decision making.
Provide a safe haven. Children need to feel that their home is a place where they can retreat from the tensions and pressures of everyday life. …
Be involved in your child’s life. The strongest and most consistent predictor of children’s mental health, adjustment, happiness, and well-being is the degree to which their parents are involved in their lives. …
Don’t be overly intrusive. Part of what makes a child healthy, happy, and successful is developing a sense of mastery and self-sufficiency. … Ultimately, the only way your child can develop a strong sense of self-regulation is if you give him the freedom to venture out and make some of his own decisions, even if this exposes him to hurt or disappointment. Good parenting requires a balance between involvement and independence. …
Relinquish control gradually, as your child gets better at managing her own life. Remember that the development of self-regulation depends on the progressive exchange of external control (imposed by a parent or other adult) for self-control. …
Help your child think through decisions rather than making them for him. …
Protect when you must, but permit when you can. In order to develop competence, children need to learn from their mistakes. Many parents have trouble letting this happen, because our natural inclination is to protect our children from harm, failure, or disappointment. … [T]ry to maximize your child’s autonomy so long as doing do doesn’t jeopardize his health, well-being, or future. [Laurence Steinberg, Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2014, pp. 125-128, 132-135]
If possible, keep both parents about equally involved in your son’s upbringing—whether married, divorced, or never married. If impossible, get your son involved in the Boy Scouts, Mankind Project, or [other] programs …
Don’t set any boundaries you do not enforce. …
Impart a sense of sacredness for family dinner nights …
Discuss at dinner meaningful life issues and dilemmas, and issues in the kids’ lives; make sure no one dominates, and interruption is taboo. Your advice comes last, and is discretionary.
Make no topic taboo at dinner. Boys love to be challenged; they’d rather only half-understand a conversation than be bored. …
Use the invitation of friends (yours and his) to occasional family dinner nights to help your family develop a supportive social network and a leadership group for self-discovery. …
Develop questions you ask your son about every new friend … Is that friend someone you respect? Why? What does that person encourage in you that you feel will make you a better person? Is there anything that magnetically attracts you to her or him that you feel may lead you to a place (physically or psychologically) that you will ultimately regret? Do you think this person will be a trusted friend five years from now?
Make exercise part of your son’s daily life—not as an option, but as a top priority. …
Introduce him to meditation, yoga, and prayer, and do them with him. …
Teach him to listen to music that soothes, and seek to understand why he loves the music he loves. Ask him to listen to why you love the music you love.
Create enough pressure to teach him how to handle pressure. Frame “failure” as a prerequisite to success—part of the gift of risk-taking and being a man. …
Treat the family as a team, with your son’s chores and consciousness of your needs being what gets him to “make the team.” … Let him know the benefit to him: parents who are less stressed contribute to happier, more successful children. [Warren Farrell and John Gray, The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, BenBella Books, 2018, pp. 270-271]
Related:
– How can we foster self-directed learning in others?
– What do we teach via our character and the environments we create?
– How do adult expectations influence young people?
– What constitutes mental health? How should we be educated to this end?